DS-006 Somatic Response Cover

Why Would I be Sickened by My Past?

Some might find it disappointing that I would be troubled by my past in any way. After all, it seems that we are constantly encouraged to “Just Do It!”, “Play Hard”, “No Regrets”, the list of clichés goes on…

I’m naturally able to galvanize people into action. Not sure why, but I’ve just always been able to catalyze situations when I had to or felt the need. Looking back with perspective, I realize that due to my ignorance I had led people down some bad roads. Granted, I took those very same roads, but I wish I had more guidance at the time not only for myself, but for others.

DS-006 Somatic Response Cover
DS-006 Somatic Response Cover

Deep down, I’ve always wanted to do the right thing. My flirtations with immorality and vice were rarely satisfying. Like a pair of pants that just didn’t fit quite right. I’m not the best liar, poker player, schemer or thief. My forays into these areas have generally turned out quite bad and embarrassingly so. At some point I just had to face the facts: I’m no good at being bad.

There are people that are great at it, and I guess I can’t really blame them for their ways. Perhaps it is a natural part of their make-up. I’m not sure. When I feel a lack or inadequacy I find myself admiring the sociopathic personality. They seem to get exactly what they want… and what I want! Perhaps if I were great at the selfish arts I would employ them. The catch for me though is that maybe I just don’t want things bad enough. I generally don’t cheat at board games because I like the game and could care less really if I win or lose. But some people find all manner of ways to cheat at simple board games like Monopoly.

So, even in my most immoral periods, pulsing underneath was a persistent feeling that I was doing something ultimately good. Looking back in the big picture I know overall my influence was positive, but now I identify pitfalls, bad turns, and personal failings that I feel should be addressed. Partly to clear my conscience, but furthermore to help others and especially a new generation of youth. I didn’t have much guidance during my early 20’s and anything close to good advice I often rejected in my bravado. Missing in our culture is the passing of knowledge and even though I don’t qualify as an elder statesman, I am at least a little further down the road.

So I am sickened by my falls into pits, wrong turns, embarrassing things I said and did, moves I made and failings I cultivated. Yes undoubtedly there were immense positive things I assisted, but it is time to fine tune the experiences for the greater good.

In keeping with my pattern of uploading mixes, I present HellTrek Side A to Mixcloud and the site.

HellTrek Side A by Dj Deadly Buda on Mixcloud