Why Would I be Sickened by My Past?

Some might find it disappointing that I would be troubled by my past in any way. After all, it seems that we are constantly encouraged to “Just Do It!”, “Play Hard”, “No Regrets”, the list of clichés goes on…

I’m naturally able to galvanize people into action. Not sure why, but I’ve just always been able to catalyze situations when I had to or felt the need. Looking back with perspective, I realize that due to my ignorance I had led people down some bad roads. Granted, I took those very same roads, but I wish I had more guidance at the time not only for myself, but for others.

DS-006 Somatic Response Cover
DS-006 Somatic Response Cover

Deep down, I’ve always wanted to do the right thing. My flirtations with immorality and vice were rarely satisfying. Like a pair of pants that just didn’t fit quite right. I’m not the best liar, poker player, schemer or thief. My forays into these areas have generally turned out quite bad and embarrassingly so. At some point I just had to face the facts: I’m no good at being bad.

There are people that are great at it, and I guess I can’t really blame them for their ways. Perhaps it is a natural part of their make-up. I’m not sure. When I feel a lack or inadequacy I find myself admiring the sociopathic personality. They seem to get exactly what they want… and what I want! Perhaps if I were great at the selfish arts I would employ them. The catch for me though is that maybe I just don’t want things bad enough. I generally don’t cheat at board games because I like the game and could care less really if I win or lose. But some people find all manner of ways to cheat at simple board games like Monopoly.

So, even in my most immoral periods, pulsing underneath was a persistent feeling that I was doing something ultimately good. Looking back in the big picture I know overall my influence was positive, but now I identify pitfalls, bad turns, and personal failings that I feel should be addressed. Partly to clear my conscience, but furthermore to help others and especially a new generation of youth. I didn’t have much guidance during my early 20’s and anything close to good advice I often rejected in my bravado. Missing in our culture is the passing of knowledge and even though I don’t qualify as an elder statesman, I am at least a little further down the road.

So I am sickened by my falls into pits, wrong turns, embarrassing things I said and did, moves I made and failings I cultivated. Yes undoubtedly there were immense positive things I assisted, but it is time to fine tune the experiences for the greater good.

In keeping with my pattern of uploading mixes, I present HellTrek Side A to Mixcloud and the site.

HellTrek Side A by Dj Deadly Buda on Mixcloud

Sickened by my Past, Hallucinating my Future

I stand on the precipice sickened by my past while hallucinating a future. The past I dread is my life as a graffiti artist, rave promoter, dj, and producer. The future I dream of salvaging that past to make it beneficial to others and myself too.

My present is arguably not that bad… even great in many ways… however in the back of my mind nags projects unfulfilled, psychic debts that I owe, and responsibilities I must fulfill or forever bear their burden.

DJ Deadly Buda Speedcore Graffiti

On June 1st 1970 my parents gave me the name Joel, sometime around 1985 I adopted the name “Buda” and in 1991 my added the word “Deadly” to the beginning. I’ll tell you why later, but suffice to say I indelibly stamped those names on underground culture and right now I’m doing it again.

Based on the foregoing, I assume the average reader would surmise I suffer from over-indulgent self-importance, drip and dribble with unnecessary melodrama and faux flagellation – especially if they never heard of my alter-ego, “Deadly Buda”. Part of my brain feels exactly that way too. I excel at thinking I’m less-than, inadequate and chronically unimportant.  However, the facts tell something different. That’s the way it is with most all of us, and I’m here to tell you my version of it.

Why? Because I always took raving and graffiti writing quite seriously. Well, not always… I guess it got twisted in my life that way. I’m one of those “big picture” guys, always extrapolating the mundane into the cosmic. I loved the rave. I loved the music. I loved the clothes (well some). I loved the girls. I loved the promoters, djs, drugs, and illegal behavior. Just like graffiti, I loved the thing that was ABOUT THAT MOMENT, the fractalized kaleidoscopic whirlwind. I’m not alone in that.

But because I immediately took to the rave with a pioneering spirit and relentless evangelism I was thrust face-first into its limitations, dangers, and dark underbelly… and in the process, mine too. My sense of curiosity usually draws me to that stuff anyway. I quickly transformed “having a good time” into a long-suffering quasi-messianic mission of redemption. I don’t recommend that path currently. The great thing about it though, is I did the best I could at the time, and I’m left with some limited wisdom to help the next guy and gal that would invariably follow in my footsteps for however limited a time.

I have to put forth this disclaimer: WE ARE WORKS FOREVER IN PROGRESS. The insight I share now may be revised in the future, and there is undoubtedly someone out there that is more of an expert in everything I say… if you can find him/her. But here I am for the moment, so let’s make the best of it. Many things the average raver of today is involved with, I was involved with decades ago. So I can share what I found out. If you can utilize the info and it helps you... that would be f’in’ awesome. But if not, hey that’s cool too. It take all kinds and what I have maybe isn’t for everyone.

So finally I am updating my website. It’s been about…oh.. maybe 9 years since I seriously updated it. Some stuff got in the way, marriage, divorce, child, sobriety, legal battles, change of artistic direction, change of general philosophy, mind-numbing vicious resentment… the list of excuses go on. But I think I had to get some perspective so I could really once again share something valuable. It’s just the way it happened.

So what I’m going to do with this site now is update the blog frequently with my various writings/blogging what-have-you with a general idea of passing along my perspective on things we might be interested in. Also, I will be uploading my archives and linking to them. Archives of music, art, animation. It will also be a launching pad for new releases as well, most hopefully my animation project. So bookmark this page, I hope you come back everyday for something good and satisfying.

Ok so let's get this party started! Thanks to MixCloud, I can make my mixes available once again. So the first one I'm putting up is "Universal Dynamo." I will make a whole post about this mix soon. But for now, enjoy...

Universal Dynamo - DJ Deadly Buda - Hardcore Techno - Tekno - Breakcore - Rave - Gabber - Morph Beat by Dj Deadly Buda on Mixcloud