Pain creates desire. Desire for alleviation of that pain in some way, and oftentimes desire manifests itself in our fantasies of the future. Unlike dreams, hallucinations are usually the result of some pain or discord in the body or mind and therefore can create elaborate fantasies, strategies, and madness… that can manifest in reality sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
I find that I am hallucinating again. This could be good or bad.
I think I shared some of my hallucination with you already: that I could transform my past into some worth to myself and others. In this vision I am DJing again, producing music again, animating again, painting graffiti again all the while maintaining a decent lifestyle raising my daughter, maybe even starting a new family, or maybe jet-setting around the globe as an international DJ of mystery, blogging from airport to airport, editing new jams at the gate, making my way back to LAX in time for my custodial obligations. It sounds funny but I’ve always been just on the verge of living this fantasy.
Key here for all of us is determining whether our desires stem from a good place or bad. Were they inserted and promulgated by the person or thing inflicting the pain so as to carry out their agenda?
Looking back to my days preceding my assumption of Deadly Buda, I can now map out some of the pain. And it started out really early… when I started watching tv and going to school. It was media that caused my pain.
It’s quite popular to blame parents and guardians for our emotional hang-ups and traumas. But upon careful reflection and consideration I would say that MEDIA, in general, has in recent times a far more devastating effect on our mental state. Sure, some people have crappy parents but they really are the minority. In general, most parents try hard to do right by their children, and any negative consequence of their love and care is generally unintentional. On the other hand, especially in the last century, mass media and education have served to enslave people without them knowing it. In fact, it has made people beg, clamor and test themselves for their slavery.
I remember cartoons and books and comic books and ghost stories and my family’s dinner conversations discussing the news would frighten me. I remember a comic book where a teen-ager was getting the best of Superman… this shook me to my core because I had faith in my elders. Likewise, school was a hotbed of introduction to pain via history class. Framing the arguments of who you should hate and admire, and therefore how to pattern your life to maintain an agenda set forth decades or centuries prior to your birth.
It was as I got older and started watching “older” programs where the pain was intensified rather than lessened. We think that as we get older we are wiser and think more critically. But looking back I merely upped the dose of programming that was laid before me. As a teen-ager, cartoon violence wasn’t real enough. In order to produce the mental effect that would alter my mindset and subsequent actions I would need to see more human-looking blood, more “adult” psychological problems with a grittier sheen such as “Hill Street Blues.”
I would read the newspaper and get incensed by whichever polar-opposite opposed that which I identified with… an identity that was getting more confused and manipulated each day by successive layers of programming: TV, Music, Books, Magazines, Movies. Have I escaped this tornado of confusion? Some, but I am not sure. I am at least cognizant of it now and can at least get perspective that might help me avoid more pitfalls.
The “entertainment” we enjoy has an agenda… but whose? The sum total of it all in my life convinced me to reject my family and rely on self-will. I am certainly not alone in this conclusion so I would say that the media laid before me had the intention of destabilizing important life-sustaining bonds, wisdom and security that otherwise would naturally occur – replacing my natural loyalties to a larger amorphous super-body that desired and used my energy.
So the “who’s” would be some higher stratosphere of society where the mass movements of persons and collective conscience were analyzed and manipulated on a daily basis – think tanks and their contributing corporations and non-governmental organizations mostly. Now in my life I wonder if there is a small subset of persons that really truly benefit from the top-levels of these entities, or are they just the well-dressed slaves of an inhuman force compelling their actions. As of this day I cannot say for certain.
So in my head and in my day-to-day life I fought wars for strangers and the deceased at the expense of myself and my family and neighbors… and they did too. Unknowingly we were conquered and refused to listen to anyone that might point out that fact. I searched in the underground for relief, only to find more virulent and devastating social programs. Enter: the early American rave scene.
As a pioneer in this scene, I ran into numerous roadblocks. Many of these were due to baggage and faults I carried with me into the situation. That said, many roadblocks also came from the fact I was unknowingly bumping into to forces more powerful than I, that let me flourish only so long as forwarded an agenda and when I was done, would have no use for me.
Thus, I present Side B of the classic Helltrek mixtape.